we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
