I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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