I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
