I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
