I feel like abortions should bother me more
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
