i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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