I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
