Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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