I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
