My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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