Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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