Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
