you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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