Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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