we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
