I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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