i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
