this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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