I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
