Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
