how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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