I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
