You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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