you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
