He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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