And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
