Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
