Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
