I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
