I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
