4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You are the jesus of drinking
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
