YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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