dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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