You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
