Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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