I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
