I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
