I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
