Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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