You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
