So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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