Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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