Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
