I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
