I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
