Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
not ubering you a puppy
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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