Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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