sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
