everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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