i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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