My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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